After the last Shine Report, I received quite a few responses pointing to defensiveness as a pretty common and mighty reaction to any intended or unintended challenge to our person (or integrity). I watched it as well in unfolding drama with my clients and family (AND self) the past few weeks. It happens so quickly, like Liz said, so naturally human, we barely know it is defending.
We rationalize and say we are only explaining or protecting our point of view. But the thesaurus has defensive’s synonyms as protective, guarding, shielding, preserving, fortifying, walling up and the like. What does all that remind you of? Castles? Fortresses? Keep out signs? No trespassing?
Yes, that is exactly what happens as soon as we start defending. We lose our connection, our sense of unity or our desire to allow and accept. We create a barrier, not intentionally, but that is what happens. AND the natural response to a fortress or castle is to attack it. Why? Because it presents itself as a wall that keeps us out, and no one inherently wants that. No one attacks an open sunny meadow, right? (Or an open heart)
The thing is, mostly we don’t know we are doing it. Someone asks you not to put a thing there because they might knock it over in the night. STOP. No defending is necessary. (no, don’t sneak in, well, I do that because…) Someone mentions that Tuesdays may not work anymore as your meeting date (and you were the one who originally suggested it). STOP. OK. (no need to rationalize why you chose Tuesday, who cares?) Of course if you are a court room attorney, your job may very well be to defend, but you know it and are preparing for all attacks.
Think about it. As soon as you start with your defending Tuesdays or why you put that thing there, the other persons will naturally begin to attack your defense. It happens every time (ask the attorneys). Watch it. Observe it in yourself and watch it in your co-workers and friends. And watch when you DON’T defend. There isn’t a ripple, it is a seamless moment in relationships. And remember, what someone else thinks of you is none of your business, it says more about them than about you.
Take the High Road! And thank you all for your comments and suggestions, I love being on this journey with you all!
