Clients have told me they would rather quit their jobs, leave an intimate relationship or ghost someone than have a difficult conversation. I get it. We have not been taught how to view difficult conversations as opportunities for growth, only as unwanted conflicts. Hey, Hollywood has two optional answers: suicide or killing the opponent. Nice.
Even if your personality does not shy away from conflict, have you been schooled at how to manage a difficult conversation that leaves the other party with their dignity? And for those natural avoiders, we are talking stomach aches, sweats, diarrhea, ringing in the ears, panic attacks, dizziness and clammy hands leading up to a difficult conversation. Is there help?
One theme I emphasize again and again is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, a remarkable and much desired trait for leaders. It applies here too. Imagine you were the one being called into your boss’s office. More than likely you have been waiting for it, you have already had a few conversations and you really don’t like your job, but can’t seem to quit. Inviting this person into your office with that awareness is akin to setting someone free.
When needing to have a conversation with someone more intimate, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes might reveal that they wondered quietly why you put up with these self-centered behaviors and are finally glad to be asked to step it up. Of course, you don’t know that, and it won’t feel like it. But trust me, there is always the other side of the story and it is never what you think.
If you follow this main rule however, no matter what you encounter in your difficult conversation, you can avoid the conflict you so dread.
1) Never make someone wrong, blame, shame or guilt them. You don’t ever need to trash someone in having a difficult conversation.
2) Take responsibility for your part. Use sentences that begin with I, not You.
3) Do not strip the other person of their dignity.
That’s it. Here’s a wonderful example. A dear friend of mine had a friend she had obviously outgrown. The friend did not respect her boundaries or her desires. It was time to move one. But being a conflict-avoiding person, she chose to ghost her. Not reach out, not answer calls or texts. However, her friend didn’t get that message, thought she was just busy and came to her house to call on her. My friend considered hiding upstairs, but chose the braver route and not only answered the door, but initiated a very difficult conversation. Ending a friendship. When her friend said they hadn’t gotten together or talked for a while, my friend said, that was not by accident. Then went on to say essentially, I am not my best self when I am around you.
Wow, that was tough, but it wasn’t something that needs defending. She was not attacking the other woman, she was simply saying, our selves don’t make one better self and I am taking responsibility for my part. I was very impressed. I can tell you the times when my difficult conversations have gone sideways is when I violate my own rules and suddenly have to make it about them and their shortcomings (pretty easy to do with family, fyi). But sticking to this emotionally mature method, anyone can face and grow from difficult conversations.
