As mature leaders, equipped with innate talents and schooled to improve our skills, at some point we come upon the question as to whether we can or cannot choose our responses. Does someone else’s behavior constitute a given response? Or isn’t Emotional Intelligence the ability to manage our own emotions and hold sway over others as well?
As one gentleman pointed out during a leadership off-site event last week, there are natural responses, or ‘normal behavior’. And I agree. But for leaders, I assume you have chosen to have above ‘normal behavior’ and I suppose this is where one needs to start. Do you choose to exhibit higher than normal responses? If not, you can stop reading. If so, how to become aware and how do you choose, when so often the first response comes out effortlessly?
In looking at the 4 communication styles, it’s definitely more natural for Fiery Communicators to have immediate and often fiery responses. But it is always predicated on an assumption that you know the intention of the one you are responding to. Let’s take tailgating as an example. Many people respond to tailgating as if the driver were being aggressive and then our response is aggression. But in a recent study, individuals polled said that the vast majority hated being tailgated, but when they were asked if they every tailgated only 20% responded that they did. Here is what we found. The majority of people don’t even realize they are tailgating. They simply move their vehicle to a space behind the one in front that feels safe or familiar to them, like ants in a line. So the assumption that there is aggression there is completely false, in fact, it is the opposite, it is passive following.
Let’s take another example. Imagine your monogamous partner is having an affair with someone else. There is a natural response, everyone would agree with that. Now let’s say you meet this ‘other’ person at a company function. The emotions flare, you get hot under the collar, angry, aggressive, irritated, you convince yourself there is no other way to respond, that is until you find out that is not the person. That was someone else. What happens? All the emotions go right back down. So then, was it the other person MAKING you feel a certain way or was it your preconceptions that precipitated the emotional response?
As I pondered this question, I realized one interesting fact, testosterone loves conflict. So those individuals (both male and female) who live with a stronger amount of testosterone have more of an inclination to respond immediately with aggression. I saw a recent documentary that shared a study of people spending 15 minutes totally alone without any phone or distractions. It reported that when these people were asked to spend an additional 15 minutes alone, and were offered a buzzer that shocked them with volts of electricity, 78% of males chose to push that button (as opposed to 25% of women) instead of sitting there alone doing nothing. Where is this desire to stimulate ourselves and bring a little conflict into a peaceful situation?
So isn’t that what needs to be addressed? Do you ever spend time in quiet, assuaging your inner trouble maker, calming yourself, allowing an emotion to be felt and then pass without sharing it? Wouldn’t this have to happen first before you can expect to be able to manage responses? Because it has to be natural, you have to practice having calm responses unless it is natural already. But the ultimate choice is always yours. No one has that kind of power over you, that they can pull your strings like a puppet and make you feel what they choose…unless they do.
