The article I shared last month about being in charge of your own emotions as opposed to reacting to someone else’s emotions was one of the most well-read LinkedIn articles so I thought if people were that interested I ought to share a follow up.
In many of the responses I received, most people said they believe this to be true, but it is difficult, to be sure. Yes. I agree. Simple but not necessarily easy.
So, what I have to share today is this, like everything else in life, to become masterful at something requires practice. And patience.
Most people of a mature age know what sorts of things trigger them. If someone calls you a name from your childhood that you feel diminishes you, if someone doesn’t listen to you, or automatically thinks you are wrong or corrects you, when someone acts out of a miscommunication about you, when someone dismisses you or negates your opinions… you know your personal triggers. They could be almost anything. The key is to be aware of them. Know yourself.
The next step is to be prepared. Imagine your dreaded scenario. Feel the emotions coming up. Now, as the mature witness of this imaginary scene, choose another emotion. As a witness might. It is much less emotional to watch someone else get triggered than when it happens to you, correct? So, choose how you want to feel. Take the witness chair. See the experience from a broader perspective, which means you will also see the lens the other person is seeing you through.
Is that person insecure and unintentionally diminishing others to feel better? Does the other person still see you as a child? Does the other person see the world through their self-centered lens and there simply is no malice involved in disregarding you? Are they distracted? Are they open-minded enough to hear what you are saying? Do they have a worrisome issue that prevents them from being present to you?
None of these have anything to do with you, unless of course you let them. One mantra I try to live by, but hard to remember, is: What other people think of you is NONE of your business.
Do you see why this is so? The filters, triggers, neuroses, issues, focus, personality traits and so on all are determining how a person sees the world. You don’t get to see through someone else’s eyes. So how they see you is about them, not at all about you. But of course, our own triggers and filters and so on are interpreting what we receive from another. Sheesh. It’s no wonder we have had wars as long as there have been humans!
Emotional intelligence doesn’t just happen overnight. It has to be a priority and a focus. Sadly, it isn’t part of the curriculum of traditional education, which means you have to learn it yourself, you have to practice, be ready for an alternate response, choose to see above the minutia, give the other person the benefit of the doubt and each time you do that, you reprogram your automatic responses from defensive and attacking, to understanding and kind. THAT allows you to be the change you wish to see in this world!